Headlines from the year 2029

Posted by Gordon on December 12, 2009 at 11:09pm

November 27, 2009

Posted At : 3:23 PM Posted By : KSCO Podcasts

The following is a KSCO commentary. Here is Kay Zwerling:

OK. This has been floating around for awhile. Sounds like life will not be much fun in the future. Headlines from the year 2029.

Ozone created by electric cars are now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minority are still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. Baby conceived naturally, scientists are stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global health after being taken over by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 85-year, $75.8 billion study: The result is that diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 pounds. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now 9ﾒ7ﾔ New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036. And, Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with a Congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

And, there you are. These are the headlines in the year 2029. So, maybe it is appropriate for me to cheer you up, finally, and tell you a spontaneous joke. I will. This man and his wife were driving in a car, and he stopped for a red light, he was driving, and then they went on, and a block later a policeman pulled them, and he said “Sir, you were not wearing your seatbelt a block away.” And the driver said “I was so.” And the policeman said “No you were not. You were parked, and I saw that you did not have your seatbelt on.” And the driver said, “But yes I did. Why don’t you ask my wife?” And, so the policeman asked his wife, and he said “Madam, isn’t it true that your husband was not wearing his seatbelt a block away?” And, the wife paused for a minute, and then she said “After all these years living with him, I have learned never to cross him when he has been drinking.”

For KSCO, this is Kay Zwerling.